Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
according affirm belief confused difference doctrine doctrines escape great hope kept means occur reverent
PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.
hope retaining skin
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
attest bear chase dead dies doubles enriching fly grief happy hope horse money pageant respect sacrifice savage souls strengthen
FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.The savage dies --they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire --we make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. --Jex Wopley
forced hope observer optimist philosophy
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
absent affection body cares carries exposed face form hath heed hopelessly man men sage stay tooth warning woman words
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead. --Jogo Tyree
dogs hopes ill physician whom
Physician -- One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
applied black create doctrine god hope justify mortality overlooked pessimist proponent replied restore wish
OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief."Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God."No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them.""The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something --the mortality of the optimist.
conversation display fair intent mental minor observe
CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
believes civilization ingenious inventor
An inventor is a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
call carried connection curable doses outward recovered repentance small
ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which carried him off --to Missolonghi.
connection curable doses outward repentance small
Enthusiasm. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
feast good matter
ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.Enough is as good as a feast --for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. --Arbely C. Strunk
animal awhile balance barren bunch burial casket cheat country dead death doomed egyptians enriching fertile gases incapable lawn locking man meantime modern natural ought rose shall step supporting thereby vegetable vegetation violet
Embalm, v.: To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and the rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutaeus maximus.
change collar cut despotism erased iron liberty tyranny word
EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself.He was a slave: at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. --G.J.