Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
agree along bend command exact excess falter forehead grape high hot indulgence knee law line penalties persuade preach precept quite reason sacrifices sit skull stool thee thine thy ungrateful unto warm worship
EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.Hail, high Excess --especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
accepted break certain common consent considered curiosity explaining famous generally greatly house invested noble open reasonable rifle science sin soon soul tomb view
TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be innocently ""glened"" as soon as its occupant is done ""smellynge,"" the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has been greatly dignified.
amused asked entrusted fool fools-and-foolishness high orleans pray property security value weight wishing word worth
BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. ""I need no bondsmen,"" he replied, ""for I can give you my word of honor."" ""And pray what may be the value of that?"" inquired the amused Regent. ""Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold.
BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.
created image nose
BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
anybody invited late
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
affecting heavy means purchases within
BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.
pay tribute
COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.
knows lips railway smashed specialist wine
CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. ""Pauillac, 1873,"" he murmured and died.
device growth hard language literary malevolent useful
DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
note
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
art dunce early flowering kinds
DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.
disease exposure prosperity
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
clean shirt
DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.Let us dissemble. --Adam