Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
according affirm belief confused difference doctrine doctrines escape great hope kept means occur reverent
PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.
abolition brand consistent country escaped general indicate mister plague social sound suggest three title titles unmarried venture women words
MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
blood chiefly country die died escape flows high leading miracle noblest number performance persons remarkable stage translated
GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for man to die -- Is where he died the deadest. --(Old play)
committing escapes evils moderation
GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
according begins heaven lies lives lying period soon
INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
beautiful deadly
In Italian, a belladonna is a beautiful lady; in English, it's a deadly poison.
among cried grown sensible slow tiresome worth
INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.""You tiresome man!"" cried Indolentio's wife,""You've grown indifferent to all in life.""""Indifferent?"" he drawled with a slow smile;""I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."" --Apuleius M. Gokul
baths bind chiefly compound conceal edifice employed facilitate generally infection ink men money mortar occurs others paid pay pays peculiar persons promote properties quality stones together twice
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.
degree enormity next offense
INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
country thinks
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
american-journalist disguises foolish lack wise
Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
applied catalogue character converse crimes ears engaging female free gossips husband keyhole lady open overhear secretly soon subject thinks vices
EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.""I think,"" said one, ""and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear.""I will not stay,"" she said, with a pout,""To hear my character lied about!"" --Gopete Sherany
beginning dined dinner eating enjoying explained functions great hour perform
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.""I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,"" said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. ""What!"" interrupted Rochebriant; ""eating dinner in a drawing-room?"" ""I must beg you to observe, monsieur,"" explained the great gastronome, ""that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.
american-journalist himself interested low
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.