Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
barrel cannot cow price purchasing whiskey
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
according begins heaven lies lives lying period soon
INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
beautiful deadly
In Italian, a belladonna is a beautiful lady; in English, it's a deadly poison.
among cried grown sensible slow tiresome worth
INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.""You tiresome man!"" cried Indolentio's wife,""You've grown indifferent to all in life.""""Indifferent?"" he drawled with a slow smile;""I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."" --Apuleius M. Gokul
baths bind chiefly compound conceal edifice employed facilitate generally infection ink men money mortar occurs others paid pay pays peculiar persons promote properties quality stones together twice
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.
degree enormity next offense
INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
country thinks
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
american-journalist disguises foolish lack wise
Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
applied catalogue character converse crimes ears engaging female free gossips husband keyhole lady open overhear secretly soon subject thinks vices
EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.""I think,"" said one, ""and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear.""I will not stay,"" she said, with a pout,""To hear my character lied about!"" --Gopete Sherany
beginning dined dinner eating enjoying explained functions great hour perform
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.""I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,"" said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. ""What!"" interrupted Rochebriant; ""eating dinner in a drawing-room?"" ""I must beg you to observe, monsieur,"" explained the great gastronome, ""that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.
american-journalist himself interested low
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
american-journalist disguises foolish lack wise
Education. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
adam apples believe conscience eating eats fashion feels ghastly good hold ill noted shabby sinned sinner somewhat symbols truth within
SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating apples out of season, Was ""cursed."" But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam had the colic.
amazed amazing avowed came cried crossed crowd deaf deep eyes face fascinated feet friend grow heard improbable liar limb melancholy mum natural others raised sat save seemed single solemn surprise tale thrive turned voice
IMPROBABILITY, n.His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it."What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?" He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:"O no --not at all; I'm a liar myself.