Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
add beloved excellent feels gift hands heaven inspired reward sayings toil whom
RICHES, n.A gift from Heaven signifying, ""This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased."" --John D. RockefellerThe reward of toil and virtue. --J.P. MorganThe sayings of many in the hands of one. --Eugene DebsTo these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.
century classical concerning fable fastidious founder language oneself regarded word writers
RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century --commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic School.
conscience gentleman grin himself picking rich trained
PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
conscience gentleman grin himself picking rich trained
Philanthropist. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
forced hope observer optimist philosophy
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
actual attribute element imaginary known perfection quality state
Perfection is an imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.
achieves beyond cry dew fable fatigue forgotten goal good grass holy land lowly mediocrity muscles needless preserving rival saint spirit tortoise virtue winner
PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success."Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl."Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- The one at the goal while the other is --where?" Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, A winner of all that is good in a race. --Sukker Uffro
accustomed aloud cries hands implement
PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.
popular vote
PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
foundation lay
PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
cards game played purpose
POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.
court judgment obscure popular
POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.
denies ignorance knowledge longest mill philosophy
POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
fitted house several
POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.