Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
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PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.
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PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession.His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it. --Worgum Slupsky
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POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas . . .
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Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
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LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
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SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
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OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
happen sign
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
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OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite.His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, And marks his appetite's abuse. --Averil Joop
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MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
brand indicate title unmarried women
Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
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MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.
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MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matter from ether --whose existence is proved by the condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others.
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MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But ""mousquetaire"" is a might poor way to spell muskeeter.