W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields
William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields' comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionMovie Actor
Date of Birth29 January 1880
CityDarby, PA
CountryUnited States of America
wells corpses
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
thinking long church
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
giving income tails
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
loopholes
I'm looking for loopholes.
real opportunity people
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
would-be lines remember
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
comedian stealing
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
two philadelphia firsts
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
children explanation ifs
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
drinking beer reality
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
drinking hands drink
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
years earthquakes san-francisco
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
water say-anything drink
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
daughter men thinking
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.