Harriet Lerner
Harriet Lerner
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.,is a clinical psychologist and a contributor to feminist theory and therapy. From 1972 to 2001 she was a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas and a faculty member and supervisor in the Karl Menninger School of Psychiatry. During this time she published extensively on the psychology of women and family relationships, revising traditional psychoanalytic concepts to reflect feminist and family systems perspectives. Her son is the National Book Award-nominated poet and novelist Ben Lerner...
self-esteem people feelings
Feeling essentially superior to other people is as sure a sign of poor self-esteem as feeling essentially inferior.
sex judging-people diagnosis
Judging people for whom they love (a same sex partner) rather than by whom they harm, should in itself merit a psychiatric diagnosis.
two people want
The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to.
people wells focused
The happiest people are focused on living their own life (not someone else's) as well as possible.
people honor salt
People marry with a deep longing that their partner will tend to their wounds, not throw salt in them. Honor your partner's vulnerability.
people choices feelings
We begin to change the dynamic of our relationships as we are able to share our reactions to others without holding them responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices & actions. We are responsible for our own behavior and we are not responsible for other people's reactions; nor are they responsible for ours.
people criticism admiration-and-respect
Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
bodies communication good honor love truly tune
And we will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy.
war believe fighting
Request an apology when you believe you deserve one, but don't get in a tug of war about it. Instead, be a role model and tender a genuine apology yourself when an apology is due. Your willingness to apologize can be contagious and models maturity for your partner. Also, your non-apologizing partner may use a nonverbal way to reconnect after a fight, defuse the tension, or show you he's in a new place and wants to repair a disconnection. Accept the olive branch however it's offered.
distance law fundamentals
If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics.
trying helpful sometimes
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.
family-and-friends our-relationship partners
You can't evaluate a prospective partner if you insulate your relationship from your family and friends--and his.
kids important want
Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.
children love-you imperfection
The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.