Greg Fitzsimmons
Greg Fitzsimmons
Gregory Sebastian "Greg" Fitzsimmonsis an American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer and radio host...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth5 April 1966
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
grandma grandmother phones
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.
growing-up nice son
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
new-york names dumb
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.
wife guy black
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
guy want ifs
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
heart sneak-in drunk
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
writing creative challenges
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
sex two people
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
kids home dinner
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
hanging-out filled knows
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
hipster interesting most-interesting
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
interesting nerd most-interesting
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.
fun mean debt
Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
looks debt shapes
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.