Greg Fitzsimmons
Greg Fitzsimmons
Gregory Sebastian "Greg" Fitzsimmonsis an American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer and radio host...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth5 April 1966
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
wife guy black
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
guy want ifs
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
heart sneak-in drunk
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
writing creative challenges
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
sex two people
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
kids home dinner
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
hanging-out filled knows
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
hipster interesting most-interesting
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
interesting nerd most-interesting
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.
fun mean debt
Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
looks debt shapes
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
tree cynical feels
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
thinking voice boston
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
successful opposites doe
The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.