Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.