Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.