Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.