Dane Cook
Dane Cook
Dane Jeffrey Cookis an American stand-up comedian and film actor. He has released five comedy albums: Harmful If Swallowed; Retaliation; Vicious Circle; Rough Around The Edges: Live From Madison Square Garden; and Isolated Incident. In 2006, Retaliation became the highest charting comedy album in 28 years and went platinum. He performed an HBO special in the Fall of 2006, Vicious Circle, a straight-to-DVD special titled Rough Around The Edges, and a Comedy Central special in 2009 titled Isolated Incident. He...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth18 March 1972
CityCambridge, MA
CountryUnited States of America
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.
My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.
I'm practically crying between takes every day, we're laughing so hard.
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.