Cynthia Heimel
Cynthia Heimel
Cynthia Heimelis a feminist humorist writer from Oakland, California. She is a columnist and the author of satirical books primarily aimed at a female readership and known for their unusual titles, as well as a playwright and television writer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionWriter
CountryUnited States of America
drama taken things-in-life
Homework, root canals, and deadlines are the important things in life, and only when we have these major dramas taken care of can we presume to look at the larger questions.
thinking media brain
The media know exactly what they're doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio's hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn't, we might think about things.
believe night thinking
The moment you decide that you're a grownup now, and therefore must put away foolish things like staying out all night or cruising down strange highways is the moment you will lose that ineffable glow of youth. If you don't believe me, look around. Study those people who would rather go to shopping malls than dance halls, who think the height of depravity is bidding two no trump with only fifteen points. Every single one of these people has a stringy neck.
thinking worry world
Your whole being is involved in taking care of someone else, worrying about what they think of you, how they treat you, how you can make them treat you better. Right now everyone in the world seems to think that they are codependent and that they come from dysfunctional families. They call it codependency. I call it the human condition.
sleep men thinking
One does not have to sleep with, or even touch, someone who has paid for your meal. All those obligations are hereby rendered null and void, and any man who doesn't think so needs a quick jab in the kidney.
acting creative gigantic idiot line thin
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
answering bores break machines
What are answering machines for if not to break up woth someone who bores you?
pain home shopping
The Pain-Free Shopping Method: Buy a present for you, then a present for a friend. Then another present for you. Then a present for a friend. Then two presents for you. Then a present for a friend. Then go home, get into bed, and pull up the covers.
friends twenties firsts
Friends are the twenty-first-century version of extended families.
baby food civilization
[On peanut M&Ms:] It is the eggness of them. A shell, chocolate placenta, proteiny peanut baby. Life shape, birth shape, cell shape, protoplasmic-ooze shape. A shape that calls straight through civilization to our reptilian brains.
cutting law fantasy
Here is Heimel's Law: Anything you fantasize about won't come true. So just cut it out.
dog four intervention
[On her dogs:] I have four now. My friends tell me if I get any more they'll have to hold an intervention.
apology makeup cosmetics
Wearing makeup is an apology for our actual faces.
comedian comedy demon
A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.