Cynthia Heimel
Cynthia Heimel
Cynthia Heimelis a feminist humorist writer from Oakland, California. She is a columnist and the author of satirical books primarily aimed at a female readership and known for their unusual titles, as well as a playwright and television writer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionWriter
CountryUnited States of America
dog four intervention
[On her dogs:] I have four now. My friends tell me if I get any more they'll have to hold an intervention.
dog needs we-need-each-other
Dogs and humans are symbiotic species. We need each other.
dog forever feelings
With dogs, you don't need gurus. Dogs are forever in the moment. They are always a tidal wave of feelings, and every feeling is some variant of love.
funny dog way
Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.
dog innocent dog-lover
Dogs are us, only innocent.
answering bores break machines
What are answering machines for if not to break up woth someone who bores you?
pain home shopping
The Pain-Free Shopping Method: Buy a present for you, then a present for a friend. Then another present for you. Then a present for a friend. Then two presents for you. Then a present for a friend. Then go home, get into bed, and pull up the covers.
friends twenties firsts
Friends are the twenty-first-century version of extended families.
baby food civilization
[On peanut M&Ms:] It is the eggness of them. A shell, chocolate placenta, proteiny peanut baby. Life shape, birth shape, cell shape, protoplasmic-ooze shape. A shape that calls straight through civilization to our reptilian brains.
cutting law fantasy
Here is Heimel's Law: Anything you fantasize about won't come true. So just cut it out.
apology makeup cosmetics
Wearing makeup is an apology for our actual faces.
comedian comedy demon
A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.
sex cells groups
There is one thing that humans strive for with every cell, every gene, every nerve fiber of our beings. ... More than Mallomars, more than hot sex, we want to belong.
jobs years collective-unconscious
it is a shoe designer's job to be a year ahead of our collective unconscious.