Bill Bailey
Bill Bailey
Mark Robert "Bill" Baileyis an English comedian, musician, actor, TV and radio presenter and author. Bailey is well known for his role in Black Books and for his appearances on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Have I Got News for You, and QI as well as his extensive stand-up work...
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth13 January 1965
CityBath, England
funny crush flower
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
disappointment surprise crave
I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
funny humor fire
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"
three males pubs
Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
strength moving enjoy-life
In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
funny religious humor
On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
funny humor evil
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
funny jobs humor
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
worry way sometimes
I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
couple hands way
The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.
funny humor mind
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
funny confused philosophical
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
knowing contentment knowing-someone
Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
funny vegetarianism comedy
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.