Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
bad failure substitute
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
beating chance conviction enjoy game ingenious keeps man modern permitted player
Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
angel coat deserts desire dog expectation fortune goat left man naught promise skies star thine tranquil
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. --Fogarty Weffing
desire expectation
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.
household paid taxes
HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.
belief deficient denies discontent earthly existence female good held inhabiting lady marks noble paradise whom whose
HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem.
begins home stays
CHARITY, n. a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
advantage difference fell four great human kinds slain whether
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another --the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
ancient awful bad bold dig greeks looked maiden proves ruins stone swear turned
GORGON, n.The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
advances along feet path pitfalls prepared system
GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
name rich
GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
band coming elastic intended stockings woman
Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
architect caricature case chapter churches closer commonly dean enemy gallery grotesque local others owner perfect personal presented private relation structures
GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents.
blood chiefly country die died escape flows high leading miracle noblest number performance persons remarkable stage translated
GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for man to die -- Is where he died the deadest. --(Old play)