Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
civilization device
LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.
affairs devoid drawn happy nose observed thrust
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
cotton instrument operated torture worse
CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet --two clarionets.
acting children elephants permitted women
CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
athens citizens function great history meetings nine occupying popular prominent seats
CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over history --which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.
calamities good misfortune others
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others
announced appointing ascending cabbage council decree empire familiar high large measures members ministry policy prince royal several state subjects throne vegetable wise
CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.
court heaven motley worm
CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.
employed instrument national
CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
diet natural school simple tastes
CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
accused detain
ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
drawn given hanged orderly
ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.
author clearer conception grammar singular
I, pro. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be ""We"", but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception
acute animals believing best class concerning eminent fact faith forms holds judgment known less marrow mysterious observer organ persuaded points professor soul spinal
IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.