Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

Rodney Dangerfield

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Rodney Dangerfield

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Tom Hanks

My wife keeps on telling me my worst fault is that I keep things to myself and appear relaxed. But I am really in a room in my own head and not hearing a thing anyone is saying.

Tim Kaine

We trust Hillary Clinton, my wife and I, we trust her with the most important thing in our life.

Sam Peckinpah

Yeah, Dundee was great. It was a great film. I fell in love with my Mexican wife on Dundee.

Sam Levenson

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Sam Levenson

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

Sally Kellerman

I'm very close with Bob and his lovely, fabulous wife Catherine, too.

Sacha Guitry

Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.

Tony Randall

I wish I believed I'd see my parents again, see my wife again. But I know it's not going to happen.

Simon Pegg

I do get very angry at things. My wife has to count to ten because if she gets annoyed at me being annoyed, then I get annoyed at her being annoyed at me being annoyed.

Steve Carell

My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely share one with her - we find the same things funny.

Steve Carell

For my wife and I, the challenge is to not make every day the best day possible because it's not realistic.

Steve Carell

I love my wife dearly, and, therefore, I've never cooked a meal, romantic or otherwise, for her.

Spike Milligan

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Sigmund Freud

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

Scott Walker

I have not made any plans for the future, and my wife would kill me if I announced anything before that.

Richie Sambora

I'm on a search for my future ex-wife.