Famous Quotes & Sayings

Samuel Johnson

He who would have fine guests, let him have a fine wife.

Rudyard Kipling

Literature is a splendid mistress, but a bad wife.

Samuel Johnson

It is as foolish to make experiments upon the constancy of a friend, as upon the chastity of a wife.

Samuel Johnson

A gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage, married immediately after his wife died; it was the triumph of hope over experience.

Samantha Bee

I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone. But that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage.

Sam Bush

Lynn, my wife, would very much appreciate if I had a talent for anything besides music.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

Rodney Dangerfield

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Rodney Dangerfield

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Steve Carell

My wife is way funnier than I am. As much as I don't really feel I share a sense of humour with my family, I definitely share one with her - we find the same things funny.

Steve Carell

For my wife and I, the challenge is to not make every day the best day possible because it's not realistic.

Steve Carell

I love my wife dearly, and, therefore, I've never cooked a meal, romantic or otherwise, for her.

Spike Milligan

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Sigmund Freud

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

Scott Walker

I have not made any plans for the future, and my wife would kill me if I announced anything before that.

Steven Tyler

Once upon a time . . .” “In the beginning was . . .” That’s the way it always starts off. Every story, gospel, history, chronicle, myth, legend, folktale, or old wives’ tale blues riff begins with “Woke up this mornin’. . . .