Famous Quotes & Sayings

Chelsea Clinton

I'm a big health food freak and a vegetarian devotee.

Chelsea Handler

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.

Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

Chelsea Handler

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

Chelsea Handler

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

Chelsea Handler

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Chelsea Handler

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Chelsea Handler

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

Chelsea Handler

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

Chelsea Handler

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Chelsea Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Chelsea Handler

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Chelsea Handler

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Chelsea Handler

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Chelsea Handler

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Chelsea Handler

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.

Chelsea Handler

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.