Famous Quotes & Sayings

Larry David

People have often wondered how they'd feel if they were adopted. I think it's funny.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

Susan Stroman

Mel has written 10 new songs, and they're very funny. It's a year and a half away from opening on Broadway.

Billy Corgan

The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.

Bill Shankly

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.

Bill Engvall

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

Bill Engvall

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

Bill Engvall

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Bill Engvall

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

Bill Vaughan

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

Sean O'Casey

Laughter is wine for the soul-laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness. the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.

Quintyn Eldridge

Since he's so tall and so big it was hilarious to see him do it.

Colson Whitehead

Google "brooklyn writer" and you'll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

Adam Mansbach

It's hilarious to me that by writing an obscene fake children's book I am mistaken for a parenting expert.

Julia Sweeney

Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish?

William Shakespeare

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

William Shakespeare

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

William Shakespeare

Thou art a very ragged Wart.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Trying to be witty leads to lying, more or less.

Becca Fitzpatrick

He grinned. “Busted. I’m a monster. Jev is my deceptively harmless — and shockingly handsome — alter ego.” “And I’m on top of it,” she announced with witty triumph. “Is that a Freudian slip?” His bluntness caught her off guard. A self-conscious blush rose in her face.

Antoine Rivarol

Generally speaking, there is more wit than talent in the world. Society swarms with witty people who lack talent.

Bill Bryson

I often feel I'm a disappointment to people because they expect me to be the guy in the books. When I sit next to someone at a dinner party I can see they expect me to be quick and witty, and I'm not at all.

Al Gore

A zebra does not change its spots.

Charles Pierce

There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.

Ayn Rand

Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law.

Ayn Rand

The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.

Ayn Rand

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.