Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth24 February 1968
CitySaint Paul, MN
CountryUnited States of America
language type minutes
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
addicted american-comedian sitting
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
ask chips club cutting dump form four gonna instead lets order shall three yes
Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them.
dip gotta
I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
hair
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
anger argument bad express girlfriend inside slammed supposed tried walk
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
friend hear music street taking taste tried walking
My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
act bought bring doughnut file gave imagine ink money paper prove scenario skeptical
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'
apartment bears bunch hold koala turn
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'
devil pickles sold soul
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil - and the devil was dill.
focus large monster roaming
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
call cheese sponge
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
ask dreams following hook sick
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
dry gonna guys owes passed sign somebody street walking window
I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorry, We're Closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say "Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.