Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth24 February 1968
CitySaint Paul, MN
CountryUnited States of America
friend hear music street taking taste tried walking
My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
apartment bears bunch hold koala turn
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'
addicted american-comedian sitting
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
ask chips club cutting dump form four gonna instead lets order shall three yes
Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them.
add appliance job keeps kitchen names wanna work
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
dance dance-and-dancing hard hey lost song
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky...
target tried walking
I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
seen
Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
escalator order sorry
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
alphabet letter
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
christmas foot perfect stocking
A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
focus large monster roaming
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
liked rewrite screw script wrote
I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.
act cross drive enjoyed harsh instead letter quit rarely took trying turn wrote
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sh*t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.