Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Biercewas an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce"...
accessible air allied chicks element factory gas inhabited male none products sewer similar visible water
SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen.
asylum candle court defence eye few heat hot indicted instead judge less light none reformer science shall since spelling time
ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter.A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted. The judge said: ""Enough -- His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre shall not be whicted.
behold breaker depress doth gratified head idols none poor protest round shall sit till
ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.
american-journalist kinds
There are 4 kinds of homicide; felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
activity ancient appearance compound discovery existing fair human increasing ingenious mind occupation prospect purpose sole truth
TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
anybody invited late
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
affecting heavy means purchases within
BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.
peculiar virtue
FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
enables folly recognize wisdom
Experience. The wisdom that enables us to recognize in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
enables folly night path recognize reveals rising wisdom
EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the path that he should not have gone. --Joel Frad Bink
behold famous greatly grill turn
FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly admired. --Hassan Brubuddy
amused asked entrusted fool fools-and-foolishness high orleans pray property security value weight wishing word worth
BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. ""I need no bondsmen,"" he replied, ""for I can give you my word of honor."" ""And pray what may be the value of that?"" inquired the amused Regent. ""Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold.
BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.
created image nose
BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.