Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?