Famous Quotes & Sayings

Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

Emo Philips

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Emo Philips

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Philips

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.