Famous Quotes & Sayings

David Cross

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

David Cross

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

David Cross

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

David Cross

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...

David Cross

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

David Cross

'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

David Cross

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

David Cross

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

David Cross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

David Cross

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

David Cross

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...

David Cross

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

David Cross

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

David Cross

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

David Cross

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men...I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

David Cross

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

Dave Barry

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

Dave Barry

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Dave Barry

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)

Dave Barry

The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.

Dave Barry

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

Dave Barry

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.

Dave Barry

It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.

Dave Barry

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!

Dave Barry

Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.

Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Dave Barry

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Dave Barry

Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li'l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it.

Dave Barry

There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."

Dave Barry

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.