Jack
love
Live stand-up is my thing. I love being on stage and just messing around.
except lady tragic
My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.
came elected robot shot wish
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
family five flipped kept met polite pretended wonder
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
asked buy came digging good lived money pick save start twenty west wish ya
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?
both dracula superman wish
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away
dollar money spent time wish
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
although excited extremely happy last nervous night woke
I woke up last night at 3 a.m., 4 a.m. and 6 a.m., and although I am very nervous I am also extremely excited and happy today.
beds conquer earth guys name outer people space wish
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
affair bummed few job love quit thinking tragic wish
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
amazing bit brilliant cruise people tom
I wish I was a bit shorter, as I think shorter people have better walks. Freddie Fox, the actor, is shorter than me and has an amazing gait; and Tom Cruise has a brilliant run. I'm just gangly.
support
I won't support it, ... I don't want anything to do with (Shirley).
american-celebrity
I won the lottery. I don't care what it costs.
soup until worked year
I worked from 10 p.m. until 1 a.m. every night for a year to write the first 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' book.