Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Steven Wright

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Steven Wright

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Steven Wright

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

Steven Wright

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Steven Wright

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Steven Wright

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<

Steven Wright

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.