Famous Quotes & Sayings

Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

Milton Berle

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Milton Berle

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

Milton Berle

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

Milton Berle

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

Milton Berle

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

Milton Berle

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

Milton Berle

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

Milton Berle

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Milton Berle

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Milton Berle

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Milton Berle

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Milton Berle

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Milton Berle

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Milton Berle

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Milton Berle

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Milton Berle

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Milton Berle

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Milton Berle

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Mike Shinoda

My parents still treat Christmas like I'm thirteen years old.

J. K. Rowling

If ever I expected to come face to face with an angry Christian fundamentalist, it wasn't in FAO Schwarz.

J. K. Rowling

I did not set out to convert anyone to Christianity.