Famous Quotes & Sayings

Milton Berle

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Milton Berle

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Milton Berle

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Milton Berle

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Milton Berle

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Milton Berle

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Milton Berle

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Milton Berle

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Milton Berle

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Mike Shinoda

My parents still treat Christmas like I'm thirteen years old.

J. K. Rowling

If ever I expected to come face to face with an angry Christian fundamentalist, it wasn't in FAO Schwarz.

J. K. Rowling

I did not set out to convert anyone to Christianity.

Ivan Lendl

I just travel all the time. And I was just looking at the schedules now and starting the first week of October I will be every weekend with somebody at tournaments through Christmas. So it gets very difficult to just go away and not do that.

H. G. Wells

I do not believe I have any immortality. The greatest evil in the world today is the Christian religion

H. L. Mencken

New York is the place where all the aspirations of the western world meet to form one vast master aspiration, as powerful as the suction of a steam dredge. It is the icing on the pie called Christian civilization.

H. L. Mencken

The Christian church, in its attitude toward science, shows the mind of a more or less enlightened man of the Thirteenth Century. It no longer believes that the earth is flat, but it is still convinced that prayer can cure after medicine fails.

H. L. Mencken

The so-called Philosophy of India is even more blowsy and senseless than the metaphysics of the West. It is at war with everything we know of the workings of the human mind, and with every sound idea formulated by mankind. If it prevailed in the whole modern world we'd still be in the Thirteenth Century; nay, we'd be back among the Egyptians of the pyramid age. Its only coherent contribution to Western thought has been theosophy-and theosophy is as idiotic as Christian Science. It has absolutely nothing to offer a civilized white man.

H. L. Mencken

The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.

H. L. Mencken

Perhaps the most revolting character that the United States ever produced was the Christian Businessman.

H. L. Mencken

Not by accident, you may be sure, do the Christian Scriptures make the father of knowledge a serpent - slimy, sneaking and abominable.

H. L. Mencken

Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. When they fail to come off its clergy simply say that they will be realized later on. Thus, if we have another boom, they will argue that the collapse of capitalism is only postponed. The fact that the greatest booms ever heard of followed Marx's formal prophecy of the downfall of capitalism is already forgotten, just as millions have long since forgotten the early Christian prophecy that the end of the world was at hand. The first Christians accepted postponements as docilely as the Communists of today.

H. L. Mencken

Christian--One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.

H. L. Mencken

Those tragic comedians, the Chamber of Commerce red hunters, the Women's Christian Temperance Union smellers, the censors of books, the Klan regulators, the Methodist prowlers, the Baptist guardians of sacred vessels-we have the national mentality of a police lieutenant.

H. L. Mencken

At the end of one millennium and nine centuries of Christianity, it remains an unshakable assumption of the law in all Christian countries and of the moral judgement of Christians everywhere that if a man and a woman, entering a room together, close the door behind them, the man will come out sadder and the woman wiser.

H. L. Mencken

The Christian always swears a bloody oath that he will never do it again. The civilized man simply resolves to be a bit more careful next time.

H. L. Mencken

No man could bring himself to reveal his true character, and, above all, his true limitations as a citizen and a Christian, his true meannesses, his true imbecilities, to his friends, or even to his wife. Honest autobiography is therefore a contradiction in terms: the moment a man considers himself, even in petto, he tries to gild and fresco himself. Thus a man's wife, however realistic her view of him, always flatters him in the end, for the worst she sees in him is appreciably better, by the time she sees it, than what is actually there.

H. L. Mencken

Christian endeavor is notoriously hard on female pulchritude.