Famous Quotes & Sayings

Charles Dickens

There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation, but there is not one so pleasant or practically humorous as that which supposes every man to be of equal value in its impartial eye, and the benefits of all laws to be equally attainable by all men, without the smallest reference to the furniture of their pockets.

David Sedaris

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Dave Barry

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Dave Barry

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Dave Barry

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar..

Dave Barry

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

Dave Barry

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

Dave Barry

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

Dave Barry

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Bob Dylan

I was lookin' high an' low for them Reds everywhere, I was lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair. I looked way up my chimney hole, I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.

Andy Warhol

I will go to the Opening of Anything, including a Toilet Seat

Orson Scott Card

The only process you've mastered is the process of elimination, and the only reason you've mastered that is because you can do it in the toilet.

Becca Fitzpatrick

She cleans a toilet inside and out under a minute. More like terrifying

Bill Cosby

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Joel Madden

I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.

Jim Gaffigan

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Carolyn Heilbrun

You can flush my ashes down the toilet, for all I care.

Cassandra Clare

It's the mortal cup Jace, not the mortal toilet bowl.

Tim Parmeter

The only downside was that we started the second half with the same crap we've been doing. We had turnovers on our first four possessions, and all a sudden, our lead goes from 18 to 11.

Shawn Scobee

We're just starting to hit the crap out of the ball.

Stephen Colletti

I'm the type of guy if there's a haunted hotel in town, I'm staying there and will stay up all night waiting to get the crap scared out of me.

Brian K. Vaughan

I just make crap up more than anything else.

Tyra Banks

I don't think cellulite is great - that's not a flaw that I want in a photo by any means! I retouch that crap out. But I tell women that I'm retouching it out.

Bea Arthur

You know, I spend most of my life turning things down. There's a lot of crap out there.

Jessica Foley

She's got a pretty mean stare on her. She's got big shoulders, she's strong, and she doesn't take any crap on the court. She was not the person I wanted to be guarding in practice my freshman year. I was intimidated by her.

Will Self

The main differences between contemporary English and American literature is that the baleful pseudo-professionalism imparted by all those crap M.F.A. writing programs has yet to settle like a miasma of standardization on the English literary scene. But it's beginning to happen.

Dax Shepard

I've had plenty of crappy jobs, but the only job I've ever really dedicated myself to has been acting. It's my life.