Lewis Black
Lewis Black
Lewis Niles Black is an American stand-up comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor. He is known for his angry face and his belligerent comedic style, in which he often simulates having a mental breakdown. Black's comedy routines often escalate into angry rants about history, politics, religion, or any other cultural trends. He hosted the Comedy Central series Lewis Black's Root of All Evil, and made regular appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart delivering his "Back in Black"...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth30 August 1948
CitySilver Spring, MD
CountryUnited States of America
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!
Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." ... Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween...don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.