Jack Handey
Jack Handey
Jack Handeyis an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character...
asked bunch came funny gold good indian poor sue swallowed
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.
beer dreams drink glass hopes might reflect selfish true workers worry
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
jewels metal precious religion round stones
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
family five flipped kept met polite pretended wonder
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
asked buy came digging good lived money pick save start twenty west wish ya
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?
chains deep funny-love liking love night thoughts throw
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
boxing dancers except hit sports
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
opening worms
The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!
chewing face funny good hard hits joke laugh night saturday spit talking tells
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live
arm asking asks behind deep define funny-love love night spin thoughts whenever
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
cleverness criticize funny mile walk
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
guy hope owed people sure
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
argument bit feet friend funny gets good guys hiking night poisonous pretend saturday start ten
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live
blame discovers good later money santa steal
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.