Dylan Moran
Dylan Moran
Dylan William Moran is an Irish comedian, writer, actor and filmmaker. He is best known for his sardonic observational comedy, the UK television sitcom Black Booksand his work with Simon Pegg in Shaun of the Dead and Run Fatboy Run. He appeared as one of the two lead characters in the Irish black comedy titled A Film with Me in It in 2008...
NationalityIrish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth3 November 1971
CityLondon, England
CountryIreland
You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of cornershop piss at 3am--you do sometimes look at yourself and think--this is fantastic. I'm in heaven.
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
I used to live with two other guys. We used to cook two things. The first one was called 'cheese... thing' and that was where you get something and you melt cheese over it and the first one to guess what it is doesn't have to wash up. That's obviously quite Mediterranean; the other one was less complex. It was just called 'cheese fantasy.' That's where you come in, very drunk, at about five in the morning and find an apple and just pretend there's some cheese on it.
Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
I don't walk around knocking on doors and going to auditions and things generally. All the work I did was self-created.
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.
People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today and there are other pressures.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'
You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
Stand-up came naturally to me because people in Ireland talk. But that's not talking on panel shows; it is structured fun. It reminds me of some tragic aunt clapping her hands and bouncing into a room and announcing we should all play games... and if we don't we are all a rotten spoilsport.
When did you ever hear of a child not in need? 'Oh that's enough jam tart for me, I'll just go now and clean the toilets.'
I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine.